[He doesn't take the support, nor does he acknowledge those words. The only thing that he knows for certain is that he's mistaken, and his brief show of courage had been broken by a voice that he's always known to be similar to that of his master, but has never carried Oz's words.
His breath comes faster, eyes unfocusing, skin beginning to dampen with sweat. Already kneeling down, he slumps forward hard, as though the strength in him had drained all at once. But his eyes remain open the whole time, not looking at anything in particular.
You failed him by being weak...no wonder he's left you again.]
Gilbert. Gilbert Nightray. Hey! [Ritsuka shakes Gilbert's shoulders gently. Now he's completely freaked out. The last time someone behaved like this it was Soubi having a total meltdown, having heard Seimei's voice again and encountered Nisei. He knows this is bad, very bad. Worst of all, Gilbert's eyes hardly seem to focus on anything and his breathing is shallow.]
Talk to me. Tell me what's going on! Are you in pain? Gilbert!
[Ritsuka's voice raises in panic.]
Damn it, we haven't even finished setting out all the cookies!
[He blinks hard, doing his best to clear his vision, but the only thing that he can see is the blurry edge of the carpet. Ritsuka's voice carries over the top of his perception, and any other noise of the room is lost against as it's absorbed by the dull colored ground.
And finally that familiar ache shoots through his head, along with that same voice that he's always tried to keep at bay. He lets go of Ritsuka in order to claw at his hair with both hands, groaning deeply.]
Shut up already! [He hisses through the pain.] I haven't...I haven't--!
[Now Ritsuka is really beginning to freak out. The tearing, the yelling - no, this isn't so much like an episode of Soubi's as it is his mother. And every instinct inside of Ritsuka is telling him to get away, but instead he just tries to pull Gilbert's hands out of his hair so he won't hurt himself anymore.]
Gilbert, please stop! You're hurting yourself!
[Nothing was ever able to stop mother when she got in these moods. Would Gilbert start yelling and throwing things soon? Would he hit Ritsuka? Now the young teenager is shaking a little as well, pale, sweating. But he perseveres. Even if Gilbert is pretty wrapped up in his own life and they really only know each other at work, Ritsuka still considers him a friend and deserving of all his help and respect.
But how can he stop this?]
...Oz wouldn't want you hurt! Please, Gilbert! You're sick. Let's get you to the breakroom and I'll call up a doctor.
[He doesn't appear to be willing to lash out at anyone other than himself. It's all self contained hatred, despair, and horrendous pain. Emptiness, loneliness; he's felt these things before in short bursts at moments when it seemed like Oz had left him behind to wilt in the shadows while he blossomed in the sun.
His body shakes as he finally turns his head and looks up at the boy, eyes still narrowed through the pain, fingers curling tighter in his hair.]
[Ritsuka doesn't mean for it to happen, of course not, but his eyes go glassy with sympathetic tears.
Is this how Riku feels when he looks at me, when he says I'm hurting myself because I won't eat? Riku had accused him of refusing to eat and making himself sick because Soubi had gone away, and while that wasn't exactly the situation, suddenly Ritsuka understood that look of helpless frustration on his boyfriend's face.
His throat is taut. He's afraid if he speaks that a sob will escape. He hasn't cried in over a year, and he absolutely cannot allow it to happen now. He must remain calm and rational.]
--I'm sorry. My other half is gone too. The thread that connects us doesn't go anywhere.
[Ritsuka swallows ineffectively.]
But he could come back any day. He could come back tomorrow.
Until then, you're not alone. I'm here. You have lots of friends. Please don't hurt yourself.
[Other half. Could he really call Oz something like that? The connotation in this place was always that the other half of you had to be someone that you were somehow attracted to on a level beyond simple friendship; someone that you could call a partner. But wasn't that what Oz had always promised him? Friendship beyond the shallow phrase itself. Dedication to each other.
Now an empty hole where any ounce of purpose or meaning had ever been.
He shakes his head. No, the Pull wouldn't be so kind. It had brought him here alone, thrown Oz in later and promised them a chance at a strange new life without the fear that the incuse on Oz's chest would fill and he'd be thrown into the depths of the Abyss before they couldn't figure out a way to break the Contract. A year and a half to pretend that their 'forever' could be tangible and true...
That thread was torn as well, the chain that connected them broken and splintered. The seal in his left hand suddenly feels even more empty than before.
There's no strength left in him. His chin tips down, forehead touching the ground.]
[Ironically, in spite of their kisses to increase magical power (and Soubi's constant declarations of love), in spite of having gone on dates, when Ritsuka calls Soubi his other half he means it as they stand as a fighting team. A single unit. Soubi was his. Which probably makes him more like Oz in his relationship, a rather ironic situation. Ritsuka's mind races as he tries to recall any basic first aid classes he's taken. He's tangentially aware of pain in his backside from his trapped tail, which desperately wants to be free to swish anxiously at this entire situation.]
Oh... okay. You're tired. Just lie down gently, here, you're going to slam your head like that.
[Ritsuka attempts to help Gilbert lie down without any sudden movement, hoping to ease him into stretching out. Sure, it's the floor, but he knows for a fact they keep that floor very clean.]
I'm gonna call you an ambulance, okay? They're going to be able to help you more than I can.
[A final tear drips off Ritsuka's chin and spatters on Gilbert's cheek.]
[There's no reason to stand, he knows. He'd fallen before, admitting to Oz that he felt so weak that he thought he'd never stand again. And what had Oz told him then? You think you'll fall? That's great! Just fall down!
Just fall down.
He'd fallen before, but Oz had always been there to help him back up. To tug on his arm and remind him of what his duties were, even when his mind had been too muddled to recall, his body too weak to hold the burdens of the both of them.
So he lets himself fall then, knowing that he won't get back up right away. Ritsuka's tear slides down his cheek, but his own don't follow it. For once, he doesn't cry. For once he doesn't fight this feeling of uselessness.
Am ambulance...the word hardly makes sense to him as he starts to feel himself enveloped by unconsciousness.]
Gilbert Nightray, you are not a failure. You are an idiot and a loser and a total jerk for putting me in this position, but you're not a failure. [Ritsuka hisses it out. He's livid, now, and thinking of how Soubi always berates himself, but there's nothing he can do but struggle and push Gilbert onto his back on the floor. He calls 911, talks through situation and goes to prop open the door for the EMS workers.
After that's taken care of, he returns to Gilbert's side, sitting back on his heels. He smooths Gilbert's hair out of his face. It's soft and a wavy like Seimei's was. Ritsuka takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, scrubbing his face with the heels of his palms.]
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 08:48 am (UTC)His breath comes faster, eyes unfocusing, skin beginning to dampen with sweat. Already kneeling down, he slumps forward hard, as though the strength in him had drained all at once. But his eyes remain open the whole time, not looking at anything in particular.
You failed him by being weak...no wonder he's left you again.]
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 08:58 am (UTC)Talk to me. Tell me what's going on! Are you in pain? Gilbert!
[Ritsuka's voice raises in panic.]
Damn it, we haven't even finished setting out all the cookies!
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 09:03 am (UTC)And finally that familiar ache shoots through his head, along with that same voice that he's always tried to keep at bay. He lets go of Ritsuka in order to claw at his hair with both hands, groaning deeply.]
Shut up already! [He hisses through the pain.] I haven't...I haven't--!
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 09:13 am (UTC)Gilbert, please stop! You're hurting yourself!
[Nothing was ever able to stop mother when she got in these moods. Would Gilbert start yelling and throwing things soon? Would he hit Ritsuka? Now the young teenager is shaking a little as well, pale, sweating. But he perseveres. Even if Gilbert is pretty wrapped up in his own life and they really only know each other at work, Ritsuka still considers him a friend and deserving of all his help and respect.
But how can he stop this?]
...Oz wouldn't want you hurt! Please, Gilbert! You're sick. Let's get you to the breakroom and I'll call up a doctor.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 09:19 am (UTC)His body shakes as he finally turns his head and looks up at the boy, eyes still narrowed through the pain, fingers curling tighter in his hair.]
Oz is gone...
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 09:28 am (UTC)Is this how Riku feels when he looks at me, when he says I'm hurting myself because I won't eat? Riku had accused him of refusing to eat and making himself sick because Soubi had gone away, and while that wasn't exactly the situation, suddenly Ritsuka understood that look of helpless frustration on his
boyfriend's face.His throat is taut. He's afraid if he speaks that a sob will escape. He hasn't cried in over a year, and he absolutely cannot allow it to happen now. He must remain calm and rational.]
--I'm sorry. My other half is gone too. The thread that connects us doesn't go anywhere.
[Ritsuka swallows ineffectively.]
But he could come back any day. He could come back tomorrow.
Until then, you're not alone. I'm here. You have lots of friends. Please don't hurt yourself.
[A few tears escape down his cheeks.]
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 09:36 am (UTC)Now an empty hole where any ounce of purpose or meaning had ever been.
He shakes his head. No, the Pull wouldn't be so kind. It had brought him here alone, thrown Oz in later and promised them a chance at a strange new life without the fear that the incuse on Oz's chest would fill and he'd be thrown into the depths of the Abyss before they couldn't figure out a way to break the Contract. A year and a half to pretend that their 'forever' could be tangible and true...
That thread was torn as well, the chain that connected them broken and splintered. The seal in his left hand suddenly feels even more empty than before.
There's no strength left in him. His chin tips down, forehead touching the ground.]
I can't...I can't.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 09:45 am (UTC)Oh... okay. You're tired. Just lie down gently, here, you're going to slam your head like that.
[Ritsuka attempts to help Gilbert lie down without any sudden movement, hoping to ease him into stretching out. Sure, it's the floor, but he knows for a fact they keep that floor very clean.]
I'm gonna call you an ambulance, okay? They're going to be able to help you more than I can.
[A final tear drips off Ritsuka's chin and spatters on Gilbert's cheek.]
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 09:51 am (UTC)Just fall down.
He'd fallen before, but Oz had always been there to help him back up. To tug on his arm and remind him of what his duties were, even when his mind had been too muddled to recall, his body too weak to hold the burdens of the both of them.
So he lets himself fall then, knowing that he won't get back up right away. Ritsuka's tear slides down his cheek, but his own don't follow it. For once, he doesn't cry. For once he doesn't fight this feeling of uselessness.
Am ambulance...the word hardly makes sense to him as he starts to feel himself enveloped by unconsciousness.]
I failed...I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 10:02 am (UTC)After that's taken care of, he returns to Gilbert's side, sitting back on his heels. He smooths Gilbert's hair out of his face. It's soft and a wavy like Seimei's was. Ritsuka takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, scrubbing his face with the heels of his palms.]
What a pain in the ass.